bump1 out of 100

bump 6 out of 100

Хуй

bump 7 out of 100

bump 9 out of 100

сажи

あなたはばか

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

- What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
- Snowballs.

Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married?
Because they part for every little shit.

>>122587687 (OP)
А шо второй пункт значит? Я по-лондонски не базарю

I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.

Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?
Because they’re bitter.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.

>>122587687 (OP)
Nun sprechen wir in diesem IDF Faden nichts als Deutsch.

- What do you get if you crossbreed a sheep and a kangaroo?
- A woolly jumper.

>>122596293
Leckst du meine Arschloch, Krankeschweinehund.

‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ generally mean the same thing – except at funerals.

Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

A man bought a hat — and it fits him perfectly.

Why do you make this threads? For practice?

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

>>122597813
For an amusement.

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

>>122597887
>For an amusement
>an
>amusement
ясно

sage to the shitthread

>tfw you get none of the puns posted above

>>122598174
>yfw when you have no face

>>122598174
Can you can a can without a can?

A baby seal walks into a club...

>>122598281
Why'd I need a can to can another can?

Has anyone been in English speaking countries?

>>122598337
Тюленёнок заходит в клуб... и в чём сложность данного прекола?

>>122598661
>in
You obviously haven't.

>>122598281
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if woodchucks could chuck wood?

>>122598337
What do you call a flying Jew? Smoke.

>>122598532
It's 4 different words.

bumpčik

>>122587687 (OP)
Explain to me, why the fuck would you create this thread over and over again when one can simply go to 4chan or krautchan?

>>122598113
'Amusement' is a noun, JFYI.

>>122598970
In that sentence it is uncountable and has no article, faggot.

>>122598885
Пагади, давай на русиче кароч

can -
1) мочь (модальник)
2) закатывать банки (глагол)
3) консервная банка (сущ)
4 - ?

>>122598738
Nice joke mate. How is it going?

>>122587687 (OP)
> 1. You do not write anything in Russian
Серьезно?
> 2. You DO NOT write anything in Russian
Нет, ну ты, блять, серьезно?
> If you do write something in commie speak, you get your face pissed on immediately
Ну ахуеть теперь.
> Don't correct anyone's mistakes unless asked to. If you do, you get your... y'know what'll happen
И этот неграмотный пидор что-то еще кудахтает?
> Gibberish like "sasai pindos obama chmo" is not welcomed. Who cares though
Ты не ахуел ли? Еще будешь указывать мне, что писать, а что - нет? Сасай пиндос.
> Don't put "though" at the end of your every last sentence thinking it makes you sound less runglishly. It doesn't, though
У тебя просто шиза, не пей больше эти таблетки.
> There are no rules really, do whatever the fuck you want
Ты реально поехавший.

>>122597713
Lost!

>>122598710
Definition of club
1: a heavy usually wooden stick used as a weapon
2: a stick or bat used to hit a ball in various games <golf club>
3: a group of people associated because of a shared interest
4: the meeting place of a club

https://www.google.ru/search?q=baby+seal+hunt&newwindow=1&hl=ru&biw=1920&bih=955&site=webhp&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiIwIK-9PrLAhVBAZoKHRWiDiAQ_AUIBigB

>>122599069
4 - машинка для консервирования

>>122598951
I'm a bit insecure about my level of English, so I can't bring myself to talk to people who have spoken this language all their lives.
Unaware of my foreigness, they'd see my posts full of mistakes and think I have some kind of a language disorder or am just retarded. Then they'd be like "wtf is this shit" and simply scroll on.

>>122599057
>faggot
Are you looking for a hookup tonight?

>>122599780
nigga plz

>>122599725
I though it'd be called, like, "a canner."

>>122599447
Тюленёнок заходит в дубинку?
я знал о секретных значения club
Этот прекол is beyond me.

>>122599780
You are retarded but not because you are feel "insecure" and because you are think you have to say perfectly every time when you are speak or write.

>>122600071
Тюленят мочат дубинками в промышленных масштабах ради меха.

>>122600267
>you are feel
>say perfectly
>you are think
>you are speak
lol

'You followed my prescription, haven't you?'
'Well, doctor, I didn't, for I would have broken my neck.'
'Broken your neck?'
'Yes, for I dropped your prescription out of a third floor window.'

>>122600272
>ради смеха
пофиксил

How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off?
Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!

What time was it when the monster ate the British prime minister?
Eight P.M.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
Princess Diana never became a queen of England

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their first big hit was the wall!

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
Bravefart.

>>122601221
Изюминка в "восьмой премьер-министр" или "восемь после " ?

Why wasn't Jesus born in England?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

>>122601370
Хуюминка.

>>122601440
Да.

>>122601370
eight p.m.
ate p.m. (premier minister)

>>122601370
PM - частое и общеупотребляемое сокращение от премьер-министр.
Так что восемь вечера и съел премьера на анлгийском звучат почти одинаково.

SUKA BLET

>>122601512
>>122601612
С eight/ate проебался, спасибо.

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What is the longest word in the English language? 'Smiles'. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

>>122601358
don't get this one

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.

>>122602370
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Braveheart

What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.

>>122602434
Do I have to watch the fucking movie to get one single joke?

Last night a man fell into a barrel of beer and drowned - he came to a bitter end.

>>122596146
What the cosmic effect?

>>122602619
Nope. You just have to know the name and have a vague idea of what it was about. And the movie is pretty wellknown, so you might been living under some kind of a stone to never heard of it.

>>122602862
bitter
1. Having a sharp, pungent taste or smell; not sweet.
2. Feeling or showing anger, hurt, or resentment because of bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.

Am I the only one who knows 'bout online dictionaries?

Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport? He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.

>>122587687 (OP)
OK

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

ахаха нувыпонили))) типа no pun intended)) лолл)

If lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, does it not follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged , models deposed, or drycleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted.

Even more, bed makers could be debunked, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, software engineers detested, underwear manufacturers debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a different note though, perhaps we can hope that some politicians will be devoted.

bvmp

bump

I lost my virginity very late. When it finally happened, I wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded.

>>122599780
>Unaware of my foreigness, they'd see my posts full of mistakes and think
You're fucking retarded.
Also
>implying native speakers never make mistakes and thinking one should care about random guys' reaction to one's posts.
Xo xo.

>>122604667
It's amazing, isn't it?

I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.

'Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well done.'

>>122604882
I wouldn't know, would I?

Patient: Doctor, please can you help me out?
Doctor: Yes, you may make your way out the same way you come in.

Can a leopard hide anywhere?
No, he is always spotted!

What do you to do to make notes of stone?
Just rearrange the letters.

What is the standard greeting of the lion to the other animals?
Am pleased to eat you!

Is it better to write on a full or an empty stomach?
Writing on paper works the best.

What happens when you eat alphabet soup?
You swallow your words.

What do you get when a hen lays an egg on the roof?
You get an eggroll.

Which is the healthiest water?
Well water, obviously.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Well, I once heard a story of the past, the present, and the future walking into a bar.
I am sad to say that it was tense.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause.

Man walks into a tavern... oh you won’t get it, it’s an Inn joke.

bamp